In the spirit of the holidays I think it is time to give back to those less fortunate than ourselves and this year it is the Political Left. I decided to take one of my favorite holiday poems and rework it for their sensibilities. I have scrubbed it of anything that they might find offensive and stuffed it full of political correctness and gender neutral pronouns. And now enjoy.
‘Twas the night before Fiscal Year End Celebration
‘Twas the night before Fiscal Year End Celebration, when all through the sustainable solar powered house
Not a organism suffering from speciesism was stirring, not even a U.S. Department of Agriculture certified free range mouse;
The gender neutral foot coverings were hung by the Clean Burning Wood Stove with care,
In hopes that secular gender fluid person soon would be there;
The age disadvantaged adults were nestled all snug in their reclaimed heart pine beds;
While visions of gluten-free organic granola snacks danced in a non-culturally appropriated way in their heads;
And my life partner in zir gender fluid head covering, and I in my organic cotton knit cap,
Had just settled our not species superior brains for a long winter’s solstice nap,
When out on the native garden landscaped yard there arose such a non-threatening clatter,
I not being differently abled non-offensively rose from my bed to without Pre-judging to investigate the matter.
Away to the energy efficient window I protest marched like a flash,
delicately opened the energy saving sun screen shutters and threw up the carefully weather stripped sash.
The earth orbit partner on the non-sexually suggestive breast of the climate inhibited new-fallen snow,
Gave an equality of condition luster of midday to non-subordinate objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did in a non-threatening way appear,
But a miniature aboriginal transport vehicle and eight vertically challenged rein-deer,
With a vertically different chronically gifted union member driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment Ze must be the secular genderless person that goes by the nonspecific name Nick.
More rapid than free range chickens the coursers not owned by Zir, Ze of Ze own accord came,
And Ze politely and respectfully requested calling zir by Ze preferred name:
“Now, Social Justice! now, Mixed Economy! now LGBTQA+ Rights and Feminism!
On, Gender Fluidity! on, Affirmative Action! on, Immigration Reform and Voting Rights!
To the top of the constructed with $15 an hour labor porch! to the top of the Green/Eco friendly Titan Brink wall!
Now go at your own pace away! go at your own pace away! go at your own pace away all!”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane, caused by carbon put in the atmosphere by man, fly,
When Ze meet with white privilege, mount to the non-clean coal polluted sky;
So up to the array of Solar Panels correctly sized the coursers at Ze own free will flew
With the aboriginal transport vehicle full of educational materials, and the secular gender fluid person too—
And then, in a sparkling way as not to intentionally microagress anyone, Ze heard on the roof
The proudly prancing and consensual pawing of each size challenged hoof.
As Ze drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the Clean Burning Wood Stove outlet secular gender fluid Nick came with a bound.
Ze was dressed all in Pants Suit Hemp, from Ze head to Ze foot,
And Zir clothes were all tarnished with carbon friendly manure and naturally occurring soot;
A bundle of educational materials ze had flung on zir back,
And ze looked like a domiciled challenged salesperson just opening zir pack.
Zir eyes—how they sparkled in a way as not intentionally microagress anyone! Zir dimples, how merry!
zir cheeks were like native roses, zir nose like a non-genetically altered cherry!
zir humorously non-offensive little mouth was drawn up like a fire starting not war time bow,
And the non-gender defining beard on zir chin was as not white as the snow;
The stump of a local sourced carrot ze held tight in zir teeth,
And the meditative incense, it encircled zir head like a pagan festival wreath;
Ze had a wide face and a little socially acceptable round belly
That shook when ze laughed, like a bowl full of hypo-allergen preservative free jelly.
Ze was plus sized and horizontally challenged, a right jolly chronically challenged indigenous elf,
And ze did not laugh when ze saw zir, in spite of zirself;
A wink of zir eye and a twist of zir head
Soon gave me to know ze had nothing to be macroagressed or dread;
Ze spoke not a word not vocally challenged, but went straight to zir government provided work,
And filled all the gender neutral foot coverings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying zir finger aside, in a non-suggestive way, of zir nose,
And giving a nod, up the Clean Burning Wood Stove outlet ze rose;
Ze sprang to zir aboriginal transport vehicle, to zir team ze politely requested and did not whistle,
And away zir all flew like the down of a native naturally occurring thistle.
But ze heard zir exclaim, ere ze drove out of sight—
“Happy Fiscal Year End Celebration to all, and to all a good night!”